we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
