one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
