the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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