in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
