Joe is yelling at the trees again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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