I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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