hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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