I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
