I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
