he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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