everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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