my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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