Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
