I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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