dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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