people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
