I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
