Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
so much tequila, so little girl.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
