it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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