fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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