god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
