I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
