the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
