I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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