I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
