sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
