I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
