you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
