i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
