Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
