Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
