I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
