He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
