somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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