I hate all girls vehemently.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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