Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
