I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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