Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
