I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
