I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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