I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
