I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
