so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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