My Higher Power is John Stamos
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
