He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
