the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
