Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
