im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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