dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
