Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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