Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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