Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
