i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
