I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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